Desireé’s Letter to me

Jaime:
 
​I first wrote you a very long letter of what my days were before meeting you.  And then how I felt after meeting you. But I figured I would start this letter with the intent of telling you how much you mean to me, and how I’d give anything to be with you.
​I’ll admit in the beginning that wasn’t the case.  I could bet my life you knew that. I wasn’t interested in a relationship. I thought I wanted a boyfriend. I was always saying that I wanted one so badly. But I never thought to land one this complex. I was turned off with the complexity of you Jaime (at first). You weren’t what I was expecting a boyfriend would be. I thought a relationship should start off as a crush, it would blossom into a friendship and I and the guy would have mutual feelings towards each other and eventually start dating one another. That way my feelings would be strong for the guy and the guy would have strong feelings for me too in the beginning. But that didn’t happen between you and me. We went backwards, and sometimes that resulted in arguments that were hurtful, deep and painful. The feelings I have now for you should’ve been in the beginning of our relationship. I have strong feelings for you Jaime. I can’t stop thinking about you when I’m not with you. You’re the first person that I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last person I think about when it’s time for me to go to sleep. You consume 98.5% of my thoughts each and everyday. The feelings I have now I wanted them in the beginning, but they weren’t.  I was not ready for a relationship with a guy as outstanding as you are. My heart and I were still under wraps and didn’t want to be let out so quickly and suddenly.  My walls higher then ever.  That’s the reason behind my crazy antics. I didn’t want to fall, I was scared to fall fast and hard. Afraid of the walls crumbling at my feet and me not being able to stop it. I was heavily guarded when you came into my life.  And yes I was brought up with television that portrayed beautiful people. Movies that I watched had beautiful people in them, but that’s how it goes, that‘s what I grew up with. I’m not regretting that I lived a life until you of actors, and a bit of actresses up on my walls. I was young, and I had silly dreams, girly dreams of meeting that certain actor. I find nothing wrong with that. A girl can dream, but according to you it damaged our relationship in the beginning, and maybe you’re right, I was still living in the dream of beautiful people. But all this was before I really thought about you, the way you look, the little things that I couldn’t get enough of. And it wasn’t until listening to that song “Back to December” that I really didn’t want what happens in the song happen to me. I didn’t want us to break up and me regretting and cursing myself that I didn’t see what we had.  And I know that I would.  I like who I am now. I like how you broke through my defenses, my walls high as a castles to get to my heart. Before you, I smiled, but it never touched my eyes, I would laugh but it was hollow.  Now I smile with my heart, it touches my eyes, and my laughter is anything but hollow, it’s full and sound.  That’s because of you Jaime. You have brought me back to life, back from that cold, icy grave that I‘ve been standing in for so long, that emptiness I used to know is nowhere to be found. I can‘t even conjure up a dark thought without thoughts of my personal sun melting those icy thoughts from my mind.  They are no longer haunting me. You truly are my knight in shining armor.  
​
​We’ve been through a lot Jaime. Our relationship really is a rollercoaster. We’ve gotten to know each other by dating each other. I don’t think that was the right choice, but where we are right now I wouldn’t change it for world peace.  You are so good to me Jaime, now I don’t know why I acted the way I had. I’m sorry for treating you that way. I’m sorry for not realizing what a great guy I had. And you really are. You are my best friend, my boyfriend, mine. You are mine, and I can’t help but feel the luckiest woman out there. If truth be told I did try and envision myself not with you, but with someone else, anyone else, but I just couldn’t. I kept getting this image of the guy that was totally opposite from you. Mean, cruel, not understanding, looks at other women, looks at porn, doesn’t want to talk about what’s going on between us, vague on life in general. How did I get so lucky to snag a boyfriend, my first boyfriend, and he be you. Understanding, kind, respectful, sensitive. I believe you are right for me. You are everything that I’ve wanted. You really are! Gosh! Why can’t I stop being in wonder! Why are you so awesome?!?!?!
 
Jaime:
I want you. And I want only you. You’ve pulled me from darkness, I’d say that’s a guy worth sticking by. I want you. I don’t want anybody but you. You are mine, and I’m giving myself away to you. I want to love you. I want my first love to be you. And I think that’s what’s happening. I can feel it. The way I get butterflies when I see you at work coming in (still!). The way I smile and laugh and am able to just be myself every time I’m with you. The way I quickly reach for my phone when I know it’s you talking to me. The way you are loving to me. The way we express our growing like for each other. I love everything about you, from your personality to the way you look. I love your crooked smile. I love the crinkles in your eyes when you do smile. I love the way you can pick me up. I love the way I fit just snuggly in the crook of your arm. I love the way you laugh. I love the way you cry. I love your ambition. I love your humor. I love your determination. I love the way you keep trying. I love that you don’t give up easily. I love your imagination. I love the way you treat me. I love that you take care of me. When I was sick and I cried for you to stay with me, I didn’t just cry that I was throwing up, my heart was crying for you.
 
I’m falling for you Jaime.
I’m falling fast, and hard.
And I love that I’m falling for you.
 
I want you and only you. I can’t see myself without you by my side.
I’m giving you, me. I know that if we fail each other, I will be broken beyond the broken pieces I was before. There will be no putting me back together, ever. But I know that’s not going to happen. My growing adoration for you will not stop. I know this. You have given me all that I desire, and more. Which I didn’t even know was possible! More then what I desire? But it’s true. You’ve given me qualities in men that I wanted that I didn’t know I was looking for.
 
I want to thank you Jaime. Thanks for not giving up on me, on us. Thanks for seeing the light that was very dim to me in the beginning. I’m so happy that you did. And I promise. I promise. I will not hurt you. I’m not going to hurt you Jaime. I’m staying by your side until you force me away. I’m yours. I’m yours and yours alone Jaime. I’m yours till you send me away. I’m yours until we die together. I’m yours until the end of the world. You are the most important person to me now. I would do anything for you. You are my world. You created this world for me. This world of feelings, of talking things out, this world of listening, of caring. I can’t live without the world you created. And I can’t live without the person who created it. You. I don’t want to go a single day without you. I want you. Jaime, my love, my savior, I am yours. And you are mine. For eternity. I believe this. I won’t look at other guys, I only see you in my sight. I won’t wish for someone different, you’re all that I wish for. I’m yours. My sweetheart, I’m here for you. And only you. When you’re gone, it’s like I’m missing something in my life. My personal sun is gone. And yes you are my sun even if you don’t feel like a bright star yourself. I will save you. I will keep giving you security. Believe me, sweetheart, my Jaime. Believe me. I’m here to stand by your side forever. I want you. I want only you.
 
I am yours.
Please, all I ask is that you take care of me. And I know you will. I know that. And I hope you know that I’ll be here to take care of you, in sickness and in health in love and in despair. I’m not leaving your side. And if you’re feeling doubtful of my feelings, if you need security that I couldn’t give you properly, read this and know that my feelings haven’t changed for you. I’m starting to fall in love with you Jaime. Genuinely. Truly. Undoubtedly. Whole-heartedly. I’m yours my sweetheart.  

..oh Desi.. Happy New Year, Sweetheart.